A heightened sense of purpose

As I relax on this stormy Monday, I envision myself remembering a time when I was extremely enveloped by a consuming desire to access, contain, capture and regurgitate scientific findings. Not having the option of looking out of a window, I imagine myself looking out of a window and wearing a vest with pocket watch pockets, being reminded of my first treatise on umbrella safety in New York City. I'd like to share some of this with you now....

~Umbrellas and You~
A treatise on umbrella safety for the greater New York Area

When we think of rain we rarely think of safety. However the numbers are in, and as with such late arriving guests to a party, these numbers didn't bring anything to snack on or even a bottle, but these numbers plan on eating everything, getting lit and trapping you in a corner and convincing you, that although you mean well, you'll never really understand what they're talking about. Then why are we talking Terrence?!?!

In the year 2006 there were 395 deaths related to umbrellas*. These everyday death traps lie in wait, posing as helpful accouterments to aid in the futile attempt to escape the Earth's weather systems. Look what happened to this guy, and this person. It is not something to be taken lightly, like salt or feather dusting, this is for real. Along with them being dangerous when carried about by people, some of them just do the whole life-threatening thing on their own. Look at this bold guy over here

Home Depot had to recall these because they kept falling on grandma. Grandma can only take 1 or 2 things smacking her dome-piece, and this umbrella counts for at least 3 things.

Another thing umbrellas enable is the human ability to walk as hard as you can in one direction without looking where you're going. This is also caused by cell phone users texting, Googling, and updating their FaceSpace while walking...and when they run into, they look at you like you have the problem.

"the sky is blue behind me"
- is anything good enough for you hipsters?

What's the point of this? As with all scientific findings, it's up to the listener to decide, call in or text their votes. The line may be busy but keep trying. It remains a fact that umbrellas are horribly designed death machines, but then again this is just a treatise, so what do I know besides everything there is to know about the subject I'm treatising on.

* - Not really.

Most umbrella related deaths happened on account of this guy.