To be read in an Austrian accent

“To be read in an Austrian accent”

Viceroy Johann Platz 

Here come the children with that infernal nun! Singing about deer! Strumming her guitar! I long for the day when I can look out of my window and not see them stupidly prancing about, bowing to invisible revelers at an imagined party, mindlessly laughing and capering and I could spit I’m so enraged! You are 16 going on 17? I wish that you all were leaving on a long trip, and never coming back. The Captain is doing himself a great disservice by not bringing this saturnalian nonsense his children and that Catholic fop are involving themselves in, to a swift and final close. Austria is not the land that blathers and languishes in the time wasting falsity and frivolities of entertainment. It is the land that seats an ancient wisdom, that wastes not the voice of man on song, but uses that divine instrument of tempered steel wisely, and in a like and militarian manner. From Salzburg to Innsbruck we are a dreadfully serious people. If Captain von Trapp, his idiot children, and that whorish cartoon of a nun are to be treated as ambassadors of Austria, then I make a motion that we lock the doors, and burn down the embassy.

Gretl von Trapp

I love waking up in the morning! Maria has been a blessing to us. For frühstück, instead of having boring old museli, Maria brings us trays decorated with flowers and overflowing with breads and jellies, fruits, yogurt...she is an angel! After frühstück, we practice our scales. Maria tells us that in order to make a good impression every time we sing, we have to practice a lot beforehand, and smile, smile, smile. It’s not hard to do that! Rolf and some of the older boys find it difficult to let go of their scowls, but always the music picks them up and they are smiling in no time, thanks to the ever cheerful Maria. She makes everyone so happy, including papa. Before Maria, papa would be so stern with us. Now he has little reason to be mad at us, and even he is smiling more. We are happy in our housework, diligent in our schoolwork, and we cannot help but thank God everyday for bringing us Maria.

On the fiery death of Viceroy Johann Platz

The Viceroy Johann Platz lived next door to the von Trapp estate for the whole of his miserable 67 years. He was an Austrian of such seriousness that he once shot a man for telling him a knock-knock joke. It has been said, that as soon as the man began to answer the question, “Who’s there?” the Viceroy Platz had already pulled the trigger of a drawn pistol pointed at the man’s head, forcibly removing the contents therein, of which, the Viceroy referred to as a “burdensome waste upon the neck muscles of a moron.” The Viceroy’s life would take a sullen and dark turn when, shortly before WW2, the nun Maria and her guitar arrived next door at the von Trapp’s. She made the Captain and his children very happy, developed their talents for singing, and led them to international acclaim and sold-out performances throughout Europe. Meanwhile, the Viceroy Platz hated the whole thing. So consumed with hatred was he, that it ultimately led to his own undoing. As it has been officially documented by the authorities, the manner in which the Viceroy met his end can be pieced together from the following account...On the night of his death, the Viceroy had made plans to burn down the von Trapp mansion entire, with all inhabitants. As he danced around the whole house, dousing the walls with an incendiary mix of petrol and oil, he managed to get a small quantity of the fluid on his coat and pants. Finished dispensing all of the mixture to the house and sure of it going all up with one match, the Viceroy Platz felt like he had to mark the specialness of the occasion. He stepped into his library, grabbed his pipe and a pinch of tobacco, and stepped back outside. He clinched the pipe in his teeth, and went to triumphantly strike the match. A horrific blaze consumed the Viceroy Platz at this moment, sending him running pell mell to the edge of a cliff, off of which he threw himself, tragically ending his own life. The memorial services will be held this afternoon; a simple and somber program, with music provided, oddly enough, by the von Trapp Family Singers.