“To be read in an Austrian accent”
Viceroy Johann Platz
Here
come the children with that infernal nun! Singing about deer! Strumming
her guitar! I long for the day when I can look out of my window and not
see them stupidly prancing about, bowing to invisible revelers at an
imagined party, mindlessly laughing and capering and I could spit I’m so
enraged! You are 16 going on 17? I wish that you all were leaving on a
long trip, and never coming back. The Captain is doing himself a great
disservice by not bringing this saturnalian nonsense his children and
that Catholic fop are involving themselves in, to a swift and final
close. Austria is not the land that blathers and languishes in the time
wasting falsity and frivolities of entertainment. It is the land that
seats an ancient wisdom, that wastes not the voice of man on song, but
uses that divine instrument of tempered steel wisely, and in a like and
militarian manner. From Salzburg to Innsbruck we are a dreadfully
serious people. If Captain von Trapp, his idiot children, and that
whorish cartoon of a nun are to be treated as ambassadors of Austria,
then I make a motion that we lock the doors, and burn down the embassy.
Gretl von Trapp
I
love waking up in the morning! Maria has been a blessing to us. For
frühstück, instead of having boring old museli, Maria brings us trays
decorated with flowers and overflowing with breads and jellies, fruits,
yogurt...she is an angel! After frühstück, we practice our scales. Maria
tells us that in order to make a good impression every time we sing, we
have to practice a lot beforehand, and smile, smile, smile. It’s not
hard to do that! Rolf and some of the older boys find it difficult to
let go of their scowls, but always the music picks them up and they are
smiling in no time, thanks to the ever cheerful Maria. She makes
everyone so happy, including papa. Before Maria, papa would be so stern
with us. Now he has little reason to be mad at us, and even he is
smiling more. We are happy in our housework, diligent in our schoolwork,
and we cannot help but thank God everyday for bringing us Maria.
On the fiery death of Viceroy Johann Platz
The
Viceroy Johann Platz lived next door to the von Trapp estate for the
whole of his miserable 67 years. He was an Austrian of such seriousness
that he once shot a man for telling him a knock-knock joke. It has been
said, that as soon as the man began to answer the question, “Who’s
there?” the Viceroy Platz had already pulled the trigger of a drawn
pistol pointed at the man’s head, forcibly removing the contents
therein, of which, the Viceroy referred to as a “burdensome waste upon
the neck muscles of a moron.” The Viceroy’s life would take a sullen and
dark turn when, shortly before WW2, the nun Maria and her guitar
arrived next door at the von Trapp’s. She made the Captain and his
children very happy, developed their talents for singing, and led them
to international acclaim and sold-out performances throughout Europe.
Meanwhile, the Viceroy Platz hated the whole thing. So consumed with
hatred was he, that it ultimately led to his own undoing. As it has been
officially documented by the authorities, the manner in which the
Viceroy met his end can be pieced together from the following
account...On the night of his death, the Viceroy had made plans to burn
down the von Trapp mansion entire, with all inhabitants. As he
danced around the whole house, dousing the walls with an incendiary mix
of petrol and oil, he managed to get a small quantity of the fluid on
his coat and pants. Finished dispensing all of the mixture to the house
and sure of it going all up with one match, the Viceroy Platz felt like
he had to mark the specialness of the occasion. He stepped into his
library, grabbed his pipe and a pinch of tobacco, and stepped back
outside. He clinched the pipe in his teeth, and went to triumphantly
strike the match. A horrific blaze consumed the Viceroy Platz at this
moment, sending him running pell mell to the edge of a cliff, off of
which he threw himself, tragically ending his own life. The memorial
services will be held this afternoon; a simple and somber program, with
music provided, oddly enough, by the von Trapp Family Singers.
